


The Blind Driving the Blind

by antikytheranComplicator



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Road Trip, College, F/M, Humanstuck, Multi, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Road Trips
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-01
Updated: 2019-09-01
Packaged: 2020-10-05 04:17:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20482736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antikytheranComplicator/pseuds/antikytheranComplicator
Summary: John and Terezi go on a coast-to-coast road trip to get home from college, and pass the time by telling each other stories.





	The Blind Driving the Blind

_HONK! HONK!_

John smirked a little as he let his dad's dilapidated old sedan unleash its pent-up anger at the quiet college dorm he'd parked in front of. He knew he shouldn't, but at the same time he was never anything but certain that he wouldn't be able to help himself. The same part of him that made him feel like being an asshole for no good reason really felt like this was the right note to start things out on. Or the right honk, so to speak. But to be fair, he was a little distracted.

After all, it was still hard for him to believe that from one suburban Washington high school graduating class, John Egbert and Terezi Pyrope ended up at universities on the opposite coast just ten miles apart.

After a few minutes of thinking about this for the millionth time, John heard a sound he'd become quite familiar with by this point-- that of Terezi wrangling with three suitcases at once, trying to get them down the dorm's front steps without toppling over.

Terezi stopped and made eye contact with John as he rolled down the window.

TEREZI: 4ND JUST WH4T DO YOU TH1NK YOUR3 HONK1NG 4T TH1S T1M3, 3GB3RT  
JOHN: hi, terezi!  
TEREZI: YOU KNOW 1T ONLY CONTR1BUT3S TO TH3 1NF3ST4T1ON GO1NG ON H3R3 WH3N YOU PUT ON TH4T SH1T 34T1NG GR1N OF YOURS  
TEREZI: TH3 1NF3ST4T1ON OF 1NSUFF3R4BL3 DW33BS  
JOHN: can you really even call it an infestation when they show up twice a year?  
JOHN: apparently. not like i've ever seen one around here!  
TEREZI: JOHN, HOW M4NY T1M3S DO 1 H4V3 TO T3LL YOU  
TEREZI: 1 DONT M4K3 TH3 RUL3S  
TEREZI: 1 JUST TW1ST TH3M 4ROUND TO G3T WH4T3V3R 1 W4NT, R3M3MB3R?  
JOHN: heh, yeah. i remember. you've really gotten a lot of mileage out of that one!  
JOHN: speaking of mileage, kind of… do you need any help with that?

John already knew full well what Terezi was going to say.

TEREZI: YOU KNOW FULL W3LL TH4T 1 DONT T4K3 4LONG S1D3K1CKS WH3N V4NQU1SH1NG TH3 HOUND OF TH3 D34D  
TEREZI: COMPL3T1NG TH3 R1T3 OF P4SS4G3 4G41NST TH3 THR33-H34D3D B34ST 1S TH3 F1RST ST3P 1N 3V3RY JOURN3Y  
TEREZI: 3SP3C14LLY 4BNORM4LLY LONG 4ND T3D1OUS ON3S  
JOHN: ...which establishes that we're going to hell, right?  
JOHN: or the greek under world, or where ever. i'm not rose!  
TEREZI: W3R3 4LL V3RY 4W4R3 OF TH4T  
JOHN: but yeah, i mean… i guess i can't blame you for making the hell joke.  
JOHN: THIS time, specifically. those cross-country flights haven't been too awful!  
TEREZI: SP34K FOR YOURS3LF, 4SSHOL3  
TEREZI: THOS3 OF US WHO H4V3 TO SP3ND 4N 3XTR4 HOUR 1N S3CUR1TY B3FOR3 3V3RY FL1GHT TO D3F3ND OUR CONST1TUT1ON-PROT3CT3D R1GHT TO 4 C4N3SWORD SP1T ON YOUR PR1V1L3G3  
JOHN: you could, you know… NOT hide an actual blade in that cane you bring everywhere?  
JOHN: we both know you don't even need it anyway! you don't have it out right now, it's definitely in one of those suit cases.  
TEREZI: Y3S 3X4CTLY  
TEREZI: 1TS C4LL3D 4 PR33MPT1V3 ST4BB1NG 4G41NST ON3 OF TH3 THR33 H34DS, JOHN, DONT YOU KNOW 4NYTH1NG 4BOUT B34ST-HUNT1NG?  
JOHN: aaaaaagh!!

Now it was Terezi who had the shit-eating grin, which was really a lot more typical of her than it ever was of John. She dramatically kicked one of the suitcases over to the curb for emphasis, before picking them up and continuing to drag them towards the car.

JOHN: but, yeah, weird beast-killing stories aside, if nothing else we won't have to deal with your security shenanigans this time.  
TEREZI: 1 H4V3 TO 4GR33 ON TH4T ON3 3GB3RT  
TEREZI: 1F 4BSOLUT3LY TH3 B4R3 M1N1MUM COMPL3T3LY STR1PP3D OF 4NYTH1NG 3LS3...  
JOHN: i still can't believe all it took was one guy to shut the whole thing down.

Though John had picked Terezi up from school for the end of the semester several times, this trip would be anything but normal. The day before their flight back to Washington was scheduled to leave, someone crashed a rather sizeable remote-controlled drone into the local airport's air traffic control tower, which effectively ceased operations at the airport for the next few days.

JOHN: so, are you sure you actually want to go through with this?  
JOHN: since there's a pretty sizeable chance that we're going to hate each other, AND the world, by the time we make it back.  
JOHN: and i mean ACTUALLY hate each other, not whatever weird mental gymnastics you put yourself thr--

Terezi's first suitcase landed in the trunk with a loud thud, having been thrown far more dramatically than necessary.

TEREZI: 3GB3RT  
TEREZI: 1F 1 W3R3 3V3R GO1NG TO B4CK DOWN 1 WOULD H4V3 DON3 SO LOUDLY, 1MM3D14T3LY, 4ND 1N YOUR F4C3  
TEREZI: BUT 1NST34D FROM TH3 MOM3NT YOU S41D "durrr look at how dweeby i am, hey terezi want to drive up across the continent you fucking piece of garbage"  
TEREZI: "exactly like in the movie 'american loot', starring several actors who are still completely relevant to this day, i'm such a dork"  
JOHN: hey!  
JOHN: that is the second-worst impression of me i've ever--  
TEREZI: 1 B3C4M3 COMPL3T3LY COMM1TT3D TO SUBJ3CT1NG MYS3LF TO THR33 THOUS4ND M1L3S OF N3RD3RY  
TEREZI: FOR TH3 S4K3 OF W41T1NG UNT1L YOU N33D SOM3ON3 TO, 4S 4LW4YS, T3LL YOU WH4T TO DO  
TEREZI: 4ND JUST R3M3MB3R JOHN  
TEREZI: NO M4TT3R HOW LONG 1T T4K3S FOR ON3 OF US (YOU) TO B3 DR1V3N 1NS4N3

Terezi threw the other two suitcases in at the same time.  
  
TEREZI: 1TS YOUR3 F4ULT 1M H3R3  
TEREZI: >:]

Given the choice between waiting near campus for a few days or making the nearly 3000-mile drive across the continental United States, John Egbert had, against all expectations, picked the latter. And when he asked Terezi if she'd like to join him, she'd said yes without hesitation, over the objections of many back home. She didn't get it. It's not like she hadn't done things countlessly more dangerous for a legally blind girl than sit on her ass for a few days.

Or so she thought. The car had been silent after John and Terezi had finished berating each other over suitcases and whatever else they could think of and actually begun their journey. With an imagination like Terezi's, boredom can be dangerous, metaphorically (she told herself). As they say, curiosity killed the… dragon?

TEREZI: H3Y JOHN  
TEREZI: 1M BOOOOOOOOOOOOOR3D  
JOHN: terezi, it has been twenty minutes!  
JOHN: we wouldn't even have been at the air port by now if that hadn't fallen through.  
TEREZI: DO3S TH4T 3V3N M4TT3R  
TEREZI: 1 N33D ST1MUL4T1ON TO K33P MY K33N L4WY3RLY 1NST1NCTS SH4RP JOHN  
JOHN: can't you focus on the weird colors you see?  
JOHN: i bet those can keep you occupied for, like, at least ten god damn minutes.  
TEREZI: ...TH3 W31RD COLORS 1 S33  
TEREZI: 3GB3RT 1 KNOW YOU TH1NK 1 SP3ND 4LL MY FR33 T1M3 4T L4M3 P4RT13S  
TEREZI: D3SP1T3 TH4T B31NG TH3 L34ST M3 TH1NG POSS1BL3 TH3S3 D4YS  
TEREZI: BUT 1 DONT G3T H1GH SO OFT3N TH4T 1 "S33 COLORS", WH4T TH3 H3LL  
JOHN: no! no i'm not talking about that.  
JOHN: isn't that something you can do, since your vision is all blurry? everything just kind of fades out and your brain makes up the difference?  
TEREZI: PFFFFFFFFFFFFFHFHFHFHFHFT  
TEREZI: HOLY SH1T  
TEREZI: NO  
TEREZI: JOHN D1D YOU LOOK UP 4 CL1CKB41T "TH3 C4R3 4ND F33D1NG OF YOUR (L3G4LLY) BL1ND G1RL" GU1D3 SOM3WH3R3  
TEREZI: TH4TS H1L4R1OUS  
JOHN: no! i didn't do anything like--  
JOHN: you know, i could SWEAR i heard that before. in real life!  
JOHN: i'm not *that* level of gullible…

Terezi snickered a little as the intermittent mix of suburbs and countryside whizzed by for a few moments, as John reminded himself to occasionally say non-stupid things.

TEREZI: W3LL 1NST34D OF TR1PP1NG OUT ON BL1NDN3SS JOHN  
TEREZI: SOM3T1M3S 1 L1K3 TO PL4Y RO4D TR1P G4M3S  
JOHN: road trip games? i only really did any of those when i went with my dad to and from portland for his business trips as a kid.  
JOHN: what did you play?  
TEREZI: OH YOU KNOW  
TEREZI: F1ND1NG TH3 4LPH4B3T ON D1FF3R3NT L1C3NS3 PL4T3S  
TEREZI: COUNT1NG 4LL TH3 B1LLBO4RDS FOR SOUTH OF TH3 BORD3R 3V3N THOUGH W3R3 GO1NG W3ST  
TEREZI: TH4T K1ND OF TH1NG  
JOHN: really? i never thought those would be your idea of fun.  
TEREZI: OH, HOW SO?  
JOHN: seems kind of boring, by your standards.  
JOHN: actually, how do you--

The realization hit John the way his car would've been hit if any of the cars around him hit it.

JOHN: oh my god i'm such a dumbass.  
JOHN: okay, maybe i am that level of gullible… SOME of the time.  
TEREZI: P4RT OF M3 C4NT B3L13V3 3V3N YOU F3LL FOR TH4T BUT TH3 OTH3R P4RT N3V3R H4D SUCH H1GH 3XP3CT4T1ONS  
TEREZI: 1LL G1V3 YOU TH1S JOHN  
TEREZI: YOUR3 N3V3R BOR1NG WH3N YOU M4K3 TH3 M1ST4K3 OF OP3N1NG YOUR DUMB MOUTH  
TEREZI: 4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4  
JOHN: yeah, i'll just wait for you to get tired next time i plan on saying something stupid.  
JOHN: look, do you want me to just put on some music?  
TEREZI: ONLY 1F YOU WONT 4SK M3 1F 1 C4N S33 SOUND OR SOM3TH1NG 3QU4LLY STUP1D

Sighing, John fumbled with the car's stereo for a few moments, after which some distinctly 80's synthesizers immediately started blasting out of the speakers. An extremely exaggerated man began speaking, and Terezi shuddered.

_Yeah, I think this is gonna be another one of those funky ones._  
_Heart, soul… DANCE!_

TEREZI: JOHN  
TEREZI: TH1S 1S  
TEREZI: TH1S 1S ON3 OF YOUR L4M3 3GB3RTY PR4NKS R1GHT  
JOHN: no…?  
JOHN: terezi, if there were a prank set up in this car, you would've known by now!  
JOHN: that would have been the BEST response to you complaining about being bored, by the way. so you know i didn't--  
TEREZI: W41T

_Now I found out that nothin' is given._  
_Don't know where the cards may fall._  
_All I know is that we've gotta get it._  
_We've got to make it on our own._

Terezi sniffed at the air. John briefly entertained the thought that she could actually smell sound, but decided he wouldn't make the mistake of opening his dumb mouth this time.

TEREZI: OH MY FUCK1NG GOD 3GB3RT 1SNT TH1S FROM GHOSTBUST3RS 2  
JOHN: ...maybe--  
JOHN: yes! yes it is from ghost busters 2. and that's nothing to be ashamed of!  
JOHN: i think the sound track is even better than the first one.  
TEREZI: YOU 4R3 L1K3 4 W4LK1NG C4R14CTUR3 OF YOURS3LF SOM3T1M3S  
TEREZI: YOU KNOW TH4T R1GHT  
JOHN: yeah, i know i can get like that, this isn't the first--  
JOHN: wait.  
JOHN: how do you know that's from ghost busters 2?

John couldn't resist from making a smug smile at that. He knew from experience that opportunities to knock Terezi Pyrope down a peg in their mutual game really shouldn't be wasted.

TEREZI: OH SHUT UP N3RD  
TEREZI: 1TS NOT L1K3 YOU H4V3 4 MONOPOLY ON 3V3R H4V1NG M4D3 TH3 M1ST4K3 OF W4TCH1NG 4 B4D MOV13 1N YOUR L1F3  
JOHN: yeah, but you remember the sound track! hardly ANYONE remembers anything besides the theme song.  
JOHN: ...i know that because i keep asking people about it if they tell me they've watched the movie.  
JOHN: and then they think i'm being some smug asshole who doesn't think a woman is capable of being a real ghost busters aficionado.  
JOHN: but no, i really just want to meet someone who actually remembers the song.  
TEREZI: YOU KNOW JOHN  
TEREZI: 1 CHOOS3 TO B3L13V3 TH4T YOUR3 TH4T 4NNOY1NG ON PURPOS3  
TEREZI: B3C4US3 1T 1S B3TT3R TH4N TH3 4LT3RN4T1V3 OF YOU B31NG 4 D3NS3 MOTH3RFUCK3R  
TEREZI: (THOUGH 1TS PROB4BLY BOTH 4T TH3 S4M3 T1M3)  
JOHN: aww, that's the most optimistic thing you've ever said about me.  
JOHN: but as i was saying, you knowing that this is from ghost busters 2, is like,  
JOHN: you know, someone who finds a folder that says "hentai" on their friend's lap top.  
JOHN: they can't call their friend out without admitting they know what it is.  
TEREZI: OH L1K3 TH3 W4Y YOU 4DM1TT3D YOU KNOW WH4T 1T 1S JUST NOW?  
JOHN: terezi, you don't be friends with rose lalonde and dave strider for half your life without eventually finding out what hentai is.  
JOHN: i'm really not as innocent as you think i--  
JOHN: hey, we talked over bobby brown's rap solo! that's the best part of the whole song.  
TEREZI: UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH  
TEREZI: OK4Y 1V3 H4D 3NOUGH OF TH1S  
TEREZI: YOUR 4NNOY1NG WORDS 4R3 M4K1NG MY SOUND-V1S1ON 4CT UP  
TEREZI: YOUR N3RDY VO1C3 H4S PRODUC3D 4 L4NDSC4P3 OF F1R3 4ND BR1MSTON3 W1TH1N MY M1ND  
TEREZI: 4ND TH3R3S 4 D3MON TH3R3 L4UGH1NG H1S 4SS OFF  
TEREZI: H3 WONT STOP T4LK1NG 4BOUT SOM3 L4M3 MOV13 4ND TH3 GHOSTBUST3RS 2 SOUNDTR4CK

Terezi made a show of closing and rubbing her eyes, while John just rolled his.

JOHN: well, if you need something less boring to do than listen to this awesome sound track, you can come up with one yourself.

It looked as if Terezi was about to make one of her patented annoying groans, but she stopped just before she was going to let one out. She'd been inspired by something.

TEREZI: 4S 4 M4TT3R OF F4CT 1 DO H4V3 SOM3TH1NG TH4T W1LL BLOW YOUR 4BYSM4L ST4ND4RDS FOR C4R 3NT3RT41NM3NT OUT OF TH3 W4T3R  
TEREZI: 1M NO STR4NG3R TO LONG RO4D TR1PS 4CTU4LLY  
TEREZI: 1 US3D TO GO ON TH3M W1TH M  
TEREZI: MY MOM  
TEREZI: 3V3RY SUMM3R FOR MOST OF 4 D4Y  
JOHN: oh?  
TEREZI: 4ND SH3D T3LL 4LL TH3S3 STOR13S 4BOUT H3R L1F3  
TEREZI: WH1CH W3R3 4LL3G3DLY TRU3 BUT 1N H1NDS1GHT W3R3 4BSOLUT3LY MOSTLY BULLSH1T  
TEREZI: SO WH4T 1M S4Y1NG 1S W3 SHOULD T3LL STOR13S TO 34CH OTH3R S1NC3 TH4TS FU3L TO TH3 F1R3 OF CONV3RS4T1ON  
TEREZI: (WH1CH 1S R34LLY TH3 ONLY NON-MUS1C FORM OF 1N-C4R 3NT3RT41NM3NT 1 H4V3)  
TEREZI: 4ND 1T M34NS YOULL ONLY B3 4LLOW3D TO B3 4N 4NNOY1NG N3RD H4LF TH3 T1M3 WH1L3 YOUR3 QU13T L1ST3N1NG TO MY 4BSOLUT3 M4ST3RP13C3S OF STORYT3LL1NG  
TEREZI: SO 1TS 4 W1N W1N 4S F4R 4S 1 C4N T3LL  
JOHN: hmmm.  
JOHN: i mean, if you REALLY don't want to listen to my awesome collection of sound tracks for a week straight…  
JOHN: why would anyone not want to do that? this world is just CRAZY.  
JOHN: ...but to be serious, that actually does sound like a pretty good idea if you want to do that.  
JOHN: i definitely have a few stories from my life i can use.  
JOHN: i bet they're so much cooler than yours, even! you won't even be able to THINK of a good story when i'm done.  
TEREZI: JOHN 1M 4 BL1ND L4W STUD3NT WHO H4LF 4N HOUR 4GO M4D3 4 B1G SHOW W1TH MY OBJ3CT1V3LY B4DD4SS C4N3SWORDS  
TEREZI: YOUR3 NOT 4CTU4LLY OBL1V1OUS 3NOUGH TO B3L13V3 YOUR L1F3 1S MOR3 1NT3R3ST1NG TH4N M1N3 R1GHT  
JOHN: nope! but i'm going to pretend like i am anyway, so i can convince myself that i at least have a chance here.  
JOHN: basically what that means is you are on, terezi pyrope!  
TEREZI: >:D  
TEREZI: YOUR 1N3V1T4BLY FUT1L3 CH4LL3NG3 H4S B33N 4CC3PT3D  
TEREZI: BUT YOU GOT TO L1ST3N TO YOUR L4M3 MUS1C SO 1M GONN4 GO F1RST  
TEREZI: G3T R34DY FOR 4N 4CT SO TOUGH TO FOLLOW YOULL F33L L1K3  
TEREZI: 4 BR4V3 H3RO CH4RG1NG UP TO 4 DR4GONS L41R, PR3P4R1NG H1MS3LF TO SL4Y 1T  
TEREZI: ONLY TO F1ND TH4T 4 MUCH COOL3R, MOR3 4W3SOM3 H3RO 4LR34DY B3FR13ND3D TH3 DR4GON 4ND SH3S R1D1NG 1T 4ROUND 3V3RYWH3R3 4ND TH3YR3 B3ST FR13NDS BY NOW  
TEREZI: M4K1NG YOUR 3NT1R3 M1SS1ON PO1NTL3SS  
JOHN: okay, geez. you don't have to tell a whole story before the story, you know!  
JOHN: well, i guess you do. since the point is to kill time.  
JOHN: ...lay it on me!

Instantly, without a stutter, Terezi began speaking. John got the distinct feeling that she'd planned more of this ahead of time than it seemed, but decided not to interrupt her about it. He knew he'd have a whole continent's worth of lame snarky responses in the near future.

TEREZI: SO TH1S ON3 T1M3 1N H1GH SCHOOL 1 W4S ROL3PL4Y1NG W1TH K4RK4T…

_Well I guess we're gonna have to take control_  
_All on our own..._  
_If it's up to us, we've got to take it home_  
_All on our own..._


End file.
